Insomnia

In half an hour it will be tomorrow. I cannot sleep. There was a time when I could. In fact I remember barely touching the pillow and sleep overcame me. So why can’t I sleep tonight and last night and the night before? My tooth is aching. It is a bother but I do not think that is the real reason. I have had too much sugar today. A dietary imbalance is more likely. So what is the real reason? My husband keeps asking me why I am so quiet these days. Lately I have been quiet, maybe unusually quiet. Why does he find that disturbing? What is disturbing me?

I am afraid. Afraid of what? BraveHeart may be the door through which I can move into being all I am called to be.

We watched a Ron Rolheiser DVD this afternoon. He talked about the cross and what it means. He talked about what it teaches us and what it calls us to do. The lessons it teaches are that God is unconditional love and that his power comes through his vulnerability, the power of a baby. The call of the cross is to step into the pain and the suffering of vulnerability with the grace of surrender rather than resentment and bitterness.

These last twenty years I have been learning about how bitter I have been. It has been a process of awareness, grieving and letting go. I am now called to stand before the world helpless and naked, accepting what comes in the freedom and power of knowing who I am and what my purpose is. I am called to be an example. By being open and vulnerable I allow other women around me to do the same. I set them free to be all they can be. I set my daughters free. The only way to do that is by moving through the fear, agonizing in the garden and giving my life away, gratis, no strings attached. I am in the garden. I am looking for a way to glory without the pain of the cross and I know that is not possible. I have been in the garden before. Many times. Life is like that. When I think I have learned all I need to know I get a new lesson, a deeper lesson. So far I have avoided bitterness by choosing surrender. It is so the way to go.

Lord, I place myself and who I am as a woman in your hands. Once more help me to surrender freely, generously, with grace and ease. Amen.